…

…

It’s been a while.  I guess I should finally get this out in the open now that I’ve at least brought myself to the point of being able to talk to a single person about it without freaking out.

Where have I been lately?  Why have I disappeared off the face of the Earth?

To be frank, as of last week Sunday(not three days ago), I had a complete and utter mental and emotional breakdown.

I’d been seeing someone for a couple months at that point, and I went up there to visit, see a Mythbusters show, generally have a good time.  Yes, long distance relationship, I know how this usually goes.   So, I go up there, and it feels like everything is just fine.  A week later with no real particular warning, I was abruptly dumped with reasoning that didn’t feel..  well, right.   After having been single for as long as I was, to be unexpectedly released from what I thought was a happy relationship after our first time meeting made something fragile in my head shatter like a tipped-over Ming vase.

In my head, I was left in the mindset of feeling unattractive, undesirable, generally unwanted to the point of believing that humanity in general wanted very little to do with me.  On at least one occasion within the first 48 hours of this occurring, I came very close to wanting to kill myself.  It took a few days to bring myself from this mindset, but what did remain was a rather crippling social anxiety.  The idea of dealing with people made me feel sick.  The idea of going to work and being around that many people resulted in me spending an entire night in a state of dry heaves.  To this date, I still haven’t been back in to work because of this.  I’ve been discussing things over the phone with a private psychologist, and I like to think that I’m slowly working my way back to a point where I can be comfortable around multiple people.  At the moment, I’m on my way to Tacoma to visit a couple friends.  The psychologist in question thinks that it’s best for me to try to acclimate myself to being around a couple people first and go back to acting normal in that regard before I try to get myself back to work again.  Hopefully, I’ll be back at that point by Monday, which is my current goal.

That, in a very drama-laden nutshell, is why I’ve been incommunicado lately.  I’m not looking for pity or responses by posting this, but I feel that this is the best medium for me to try and explain exactly where I’ve been and why no one has heard from me in almost two weeks.  The security blanket for me right now that is the internet makes it easier for me to do so, at least.

A Public Apology

As I approach my thirtieth year of existence, there’s been a lot of reflection on the 29 years and 300-summat days that have led up to this point.  And with that, it’s led me to come to one primary realization.

I’m an antagonistic cunt.

I have probably ruined a lot of friendships in my life due to my abrasive, acidic attitude.  There are a lot of people that I could probably know a lot better if I could just be a nicer person.  I wouldn’t feel so fucking alone all the time if I were able to conduct myself in a fashion that did not involve being surly and violent, argumentative and disruptive, or drunk and belligerent.  I have spent far too much time developing a persona in which I was a loud, angry asshole because some people thought it was funny, and because (in truth) I am far too insecure to allow people to get to know me very well.  Underneath the haze of alcohol and the constant swearing, I am a very emotionally fragile person.

For my behavior, all I can say is that I’m sorry.

There are likely far too many people that I have caused some level of trouble for me to apologize to everyone personally.  All I can do is post this and hope that it’s read.  I’ll do what I can to adjust, but it won’t be quick nor will it be easy.  But I will be trying to do what I can to be a more reasonable person from now on.

Yard Sale

So.  I admit that I love my job too much to even think about leaving it, despite
my current wages.  But, being that I'm human, sometimes I make mistakes when it
comes to money.  This is one of those times, and this is one of those times where
I basically have to sell things to make ends meet.  So, without further delay, here's
what's on the bargaining table:

Sega Dreamcast, console only.  Good condition.

Hardcover, autographed copy of Penny Arcade's first book.
The bobblehead and/or lunchbox from the Fallout 3 collector's edition.

Contents from any of the four World of Warcraft collector's editions.  Discussion
can be had regarding what I have from each set if someone is interested.

Rain-slick Precipice of Darkness, Ep. 1 collector's edition.  Code unused, contents intact.

XBox 360 Games
Batman: Arkham Asylum
Assassin's Creed 2
Brutal Legend
Crackdown
Crackdown 2
Dead Rising
Fallout 3
Fallout: New Vegas
Fable 2
Fable 3
Final Fantasy 13
Gears of War 1
Ghostbusters
Grand Theft Auto 4
Halo 3: ODST
Halo: Reach
Mass Effect 1
Rock Band 1
Saints Row 2 Collector's Edition.
Viva Pinata
You Don't Know Jack

v1 XBox Games (lol no I don't expect these to sell, but)
Knights of the Old Republic
Fable 1
Halo
Halo 2 Collector's Edition (fancy metal box)
Jade Empire, special edition
Ninja Gaiden

Playstation 3 Games
Blazblue
God of War Collection (redone GoW1/2 on one disc) God of War 3
Killzone 2
Little Big Planet
The Force Unleashed
Uncharted 2
Smackdown vs. RAW 2010

I'm fighting the urge to try and sell any of my SNes Games right now, though.
I guess I'll see how selling all this shit goes and figure it out from there.