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It’s been a while.  I guess I should finally get this out in the open now that I’ve at least brought myself to the point of being able to talk to a single person about it without freaking out.

Where have I been lately?  Why have I disappeared off the face of the Earth?

To be frank, as of last week Sunday(not three days ago), I had a complete and utter mental and emotional breakdown.

I’d been seeing someone for a couple months at that point, and I went up there to visit, see a Mythbusters show, generally have a good time.  Yes, long distance relationship, I know how this usually goes.   So, I go up there, and it feels like everything is just fine.  A week later with no real particular warning, I was abruptly dumped with reasoning that didn’t feel..  well, right.   After having been single for as long as I was, to be unexpectedly released from what I thought was a happy relationship after our first time meeting made something fragile in my head shatter like a tipped-over Ming vase.

In my head, I was left in the mindset of feeling unattractive, undesirable, generally unwanted to the point of believing that humanity in general wanted very little to do with me.  On at least one occasion within the first 48 hours of this occurring, I came very close to wanting to kill myself.  It took a few days to bring myself from this mindset, but what did remain was a rather crippling social anxiety.  The idea of dealing with people made me feel sick.  The idea of going to work and being around that many people resulted in me spending an entire night in a state of dry heaves.  To this date, I still haven’t been back in to work because of this.  I’ve been discussing things over the phone with a private psychologist, and I like to think that I’m slowly working my way back to a point where I can be comfortable around multiple people.  At the moment, I’m on my way to Tacoma to visit a couple friends.  The psychologist in question thinks that it’s best for me to try to acclimate myself to being around a couple people first and go back to acting normal in that regard before I try to get myself back to work again.  Hopefully, I’ll be back at that point by Monday, which is my current goal.

That, in a very drama-laden nutshell, is why I’ve been incommunicado lately.  I’m not looking for pity or responses by posting this, but I feel that this is the best medium for me to try and explain exactly where I’ve been and why no one has heard from me in almost two weeks.  The security blanket for me right now that is the internet makes it easier for me to do so, at least.

A Public Apology

As I approach my thirtieth year of existence, there’s been a lot of reflection on the 29 years and 300-summat days that have led up to this point.  And with that, it’s led me to come to one primary realization.

I’m an antagonistic cunt.

I have probably ruined a lot of friendships in my life due to my abrasive, acidic attitude.  There are a lot of people that I could probably know a lot better if I could just be a nicer person.  I wouldn’t feel so fucking alone all the time if I were able to conduct myself in a fashion that did not involve being surly and violent, argumentative and disruptive, or drunk and belligerent.  I have spent far too much time developing a persona in which I was a loud, angry asshole because some people thought it was funny, and because (in truth) I am far too insecure to allow people to get to know me very well.  Underneath the haze of alcohol and the constant swearing, I am a very emotionally fragile person.

For my behavior, all I can say is that I’m sorry.

There are likely far too many people that I have caused some level of trouble for me to apologize to everyone personally.  All I can do is post this and hope that it’s read.  I’ll do what I can to adjust, but it won’t be quick nor will it be easy.  But I will be trying to do what I can to be a more reasonable person from now on.

Yard Sale

So.  I admit that I love my job too much to even think about leaving it, despite
my current wages.  But, being that I'm human, sometimes I make mistakes when it
comes to money.  This is one of those times, and this is one of those times where
I basically have to sell things to make ends meet.  So, without further delay, here's
what's on the bargaining table:

Sega Dreamcast, console only.  Good condition.

Hardcover, autographed copy of Penny Arcade's first book.
The bobblehead and/or lunchbox from the Fallout 3 collector's edition.

Contents from any of the four World of Warcraft collector's editions.  Discussion
can be had regarding what I have from each set if someone is interested.

Rain-slick Precipice of Darkness, Ep. 1 collector's edition.  Code unused, contents intact.

XBox 360 Games
Batman: Arkham Asylum
Assassin's Creed 2
Brutal Legend
Crackdown
Crackdown 2
Dead Rising
Fallout 3
Fallout: New Vegas
Fable 2
Fable 3
Final Fantasy 13
Gears of War 1
Ghostbusters
Grand Theft Auto 4
Halo 3: ODST
Halo: Reach
Mass Effect 1
Rock Band 1
Saints Row 2 Collector's Edition.
Viva Pinata
You Don't Know Jack

v1 XBox Games (lol no I don't expect these to sell, but)
Knights of the Old Republic
Fable 1
Halo
Halo 2 Collector's Edition (fancy metal box)
Jade Empire, special edition
Ninja Gaiden

Playstation 3 Games
Blazblue
God of War Collection (redone GoW1/2 on one disc) God of War 3
Killzone 2
Little Big Planet
The Force Unleashed
Uncharted 2
Smackdown vs. RAW 2010

I'm fighting the urge to try and sell any of my SNes Games right now, though.
I guess I'll see how selling all this shit goes and figure it out from there.

Roe vs. Wade, Xbox Live, and Bratty Kids

I had posted, albeit briefly, over Twitter a couple days ago regarding a personal curiosity that had found its way into my head.  I’d been reading a book called Freakonomics lately, which drew a rather surprising conclusion between the Roe vs. Wade case and the sudden decline in crime in the mid-late 90s.  I don’t have all the details memorized, but a /very/ rough outline of that portion of the chapter revolved around how children born into adverse conditions (lower class neighborhood + single mother, etc etc, I can detail it more if someone really wants to know, but I’m tired right now…  I really recommend reading the book, Levitt and Dubner did a wonderful job with it) were more prone to felonious behavior as they aged, and that the crime rate suddenly plummeted right around the time that those children would have reached the age to start, were it not for the fact that Roe vs. Wade legalized abortion, and a lot of those children ended up not being born because the mothers were able to get an abortion and not bring a child into these unfortunate living conditions.

While my thought process wasn’t quite along those lines, it still got me thinking.  With as much time as I spend around Xbox Live as of late, I hear more and more people that exhibit…  well, patently disgusting behavior.  Racism towards blacks, jews, severe homophobia..  things we’ve all come to expect from online gaming around a public group.

Working from John Gabriel’s Greater Internet Dickwad Theory, we also know that (normal person) + (internet) + (anonymity) = total dickwad.  What I wonder, though, is whether certain behaviors tend to branch out of one particular social group.  Are the lower-class white kids more prone to racism, while the richer amongst us are more general dickbags?   Who’s really more prone to throw the n-bomb like it’s a comma, black people or white people?    Or is this all just a load of  pointless thought process, and every group on the internet is equally responsible for everything?

It’s all kinda hearsay based on personal experience right now, but finding out certainly would be interesting.

Random Acts of Blogkindness

Also, completely unsolicited, but a reasonably good friend of mine runs her own blog (field of study-related) called Serious Monkey Business.  No idea if anyone amongst the people that might read this would be interested in simian sciences, but I actually enjoy reading some of the stuff she writes.  Give it a look.

Fall 2010 Quarter Finished

As it turns out, under my Fall quarter schedule, finding the time to update was next to impossible.  I wasn’t particularly used to juggling 40 hours of work plus school plus moving plus helping Mike move, I didn’t have time to do much of anything.   On top of that, I lost my phone last month, so I’ve been psychotic about nearly everything.

I’m rather happy to say that I’ve finished fall quarter, though, and ended up with a 3.73 GPA.  Not good enough for the President’s List, but I’m fairly sure that at least qualifies me for faculty honors.   It’s nice to see what happens when I finally decide to apply myself.  Even under all the stress of moving and working at the same time, I’m more than pleased with a 3.73, even if I did spend the first hour after seeing that going over what I could have done to better it in my head.  C’est la vie, I suppose.

Work is still going well.  My work quality improved notably with my stress level decrease, according to ze people that keep track of such things, and I’m raging a lot less than I used to.  I’m finding the urge to be more social, and god forbid, I might have the time and willpower to start on other projects after the holidays are over and done with.   For now, though, maybe I’ll focus on this a bit more.  I wish I had something a bit more interesting to say other than a general life update, since a lot of people don’t particularly care about the doldrums of my life.  Once I start getting more involved with my chosen major, though, maybe things will be a bit more interesting.  But, until then. 

Just another way to say hello…

I’ve decided to give this another shot, except I’ve found a focus for my writing with regards to this domain name.  Though it’s gone unused for a long time, the Rageslave domain was originally created as a play on words.  I came up with it back at GoDaddy, when we were tossing the phrase ‘wage slave’ around, and after a particularly bad call, I changed the W to an R, and there it was.  Nowadays, though, I’m happy with my job, and less angry than I used to be.  When I thought about it, though, this is still fitting for what I do now, and what I want to do.

I suppose I should start with a bit of a personal introduction, just in case.  Hi!
…..  alright, seriously.  I’m Dave, 29 and an undergraduate at Cascadia CC, aspiring to transfer to the University of Washington.  I’m pursuing a bachelor’s in cultural anthropology.  Right now, I’m working in the gaming industry, in what’s probably the best job I’ve had in my decade or so of work experience.  Ideally, I’d like to remain in the industry after I finish school, which leads to what I want to do.   I’d like to engage the gaming community somehow once I’m done.  The gaming culture itself is still actively growing and forming, and I want to be part of that as more than just an observer.

The name is a bit of a stretch, but it seems to me that more than a fair share of gamers do nothing but get angry at video games, to the point that they play every game just to rage.  But, at the same time, they keep playing.  Playing all the time, they end up being a bit of a slave to their rage.  Thus, Rageslave.

I’ll do what I can to keep this updated, both with just general information relating to shit that’s going on with me, and if I can help it, some sort of general information relevant to the subject at hand.  But, until that point, pleasure to meet whoever may wander across this.